Today between preschool drop off and Thanksgiving feasts x2 and a small school party for the birthday girl, Rick and I headed to meet Dr. K. Fun times!
If you start at the beginning it went like this:
Drop Kidlets at school in Southlake- 9am
Hightail it to down town Ft. Worth to meet Dr. K at 9:30- get there to find out they moved my appointment to 12...score..one frustrated mama makes the 30 minute hike back to Southlake in just the knick of time.
Pierce's feast- he was the cutest pilgram you've ever seen but you'll have to trust me on that until I get caught up
Bella's Feast- We had to leave about 5 minutes into hers but we left her with Grandma! Im not sure who loved the one on one time more!
Since I knew I couldnt make it back for Bella's cupcakes at school I left my mom with a camera. I forgot to leave the memory card though...i was flustered:) story. of. my. life.
Sometime right before noon we arrive back in down town at Dr. K's new office. For those who've been reading for a long time...his office isnt red anymore. Ill have to find the ranting post about that. It's int he beginning somewhere (Feb 2007ish).
Since Im an established patient we skipped the paperwork and headed strait to the consult room. Dr. K remembered us, or just read are chart before hand, but was very kind and asked about Bel. I told him she'll be 4 next week and didn't even cry! We also got to surprise him with Pierce:) That was happy.
After discussion about where we have been, where we are now ( from a we'll go gun ho with this or be more reserved) he talked about what he thought the problems could be.
We know somethings for sure:
1. My angry uterus clearly works as I have 2 beautiful kidlets.
2. Clomid makes this girl INSANE. There are no other words. He's agreed to go a different route especially since 3 rounds didn't work.
3. He's pretty sure i do ovulate since im a clockwork kind of girl. Meaning the clomid was pretty much a moot point and i was a lunatic for "fun".
After a brief look on my old test results I still have MTFHR which is just another prescription for the super vitamins and shots when i get pregnant. Woo. FREAKING. Hoo. ( Im full of sarcasm today huh) so at least if we can get my girl parts in gear i can stay pregnant.
Then he looked at a test they do to measure egg reserve. It is a combo thing. 4 almost 5 years ago my antral follicle count was 7 and 3 ( not great but not so low he wasn't hopeful). My fsh was mediocre at best.
Since today is day 1 of my cycle ( super TMI but way to go for planning) we went ahead and did the antral follicle count again. It was no bueno. This time it was 2 and 1. At this rate ill be in menopause before many of my friends. So my eggs are old and rotten. Seriously, I am 29. My eggs are 40. It SUCKS.
Dr. K as great and positive as he tries to be is also super honest. So he told us it isn't impossible but it's not going to be easy. Essentially, since we do have 2 kids it almost makes it harder. On one hand we know what it is like to be around such amazing little people. On the other we have 2 to enjoy and the emotional and financial stress will affect them in some ways. It's a rock and a hard place. We know our family isn't done yet. I just feel it. However we have a huge heart for adoption, so there is part of me that believes maybe the time has come sooner than later and money spent on fertility treatments could be put toward that instead. Who knows...there is a lot of prayers for us to be praying right now. Wisdom, understanding, acceptance to His control over our lives. It's time for us to be obedient even if it isn't an easy decision or what we want.
For now we are going to finish the rest of the testing. Today an ultrasound and bloodwork to test egg quality. Next week( on our anniversary and Bel's birthday- dont you love timing) an HSG. Then we wait for everything to come back and see whats next.
Our game plan for now is IUI. Dr. K said he'd be comfortable with 1 cycle before suggesting IVF. He said honestly there is no point in wasting time or money- which I wholeheartedly agree with.
I never thought id be in this place. Im sad. Im angry. I hurt and ache for something that just might never be. I do have hope and I know our family isn't complete. For now I will just surrender my will to Him and be obedient whether its how i would have done it or not. But man...that is hard. So hard.
Showing posts with label infertilty bites. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertilty bites. Show all posts
11/14/11
Real Life Blooging: The next step in the Journey
It's funny for me to think this blog that is so much about life and love started with loss. It started with hurt and fear of the unknown. So as I sit here and we are back in that place it sort of feels- okay. Like at very least this time we know the journey ends in life, happiness and babies.
It wasn't but 6 years ago I figured out it doesn't always end in babies. Our first miscarriage devastated me. It shook me to the core, the second one hurt but more than anything just made me numb. Annelise, well, she changed me. Then another miscarriage and our infertility journey began. It was short and we ended up with a great set of doctors and a healthy baby Cupcake Princess to call our own. Success. 9 months later my womb was overflowing with our sweet Master P...it was then that I thought " wow we won the battle".
Funny how when we started this journey to #4 I never imagined we'd be on the same winding road. I'm honestly not sure how I feel about it all. I almost want to say this go around has been harder on me. Why, because now I know how amazing the gift of a child is. How I don't really just want a baby, though that's what i tell myself. I want the life. I want the cranky teething 9 month old, the independent toddler. I want the shy 7 year old and the teenager that makes me want to drink hard liquor at the start of the day because he is just that hardheaded. I want it all.
I made the mistake of posting on facebook about how hard it was to walk into Bella's class where all but two moms are pregnant. I am one of the two. It sucks. I'm not unhappy for those women. I am jealous and envious and so sad to hear them complain about how hard it is...because I would give ANYTHING to be pregnant right now. Needless to say there were some comments about " be grateful you have 2 kids some have none" etc. It really just made me angry. Just because my heart aches for another child to love doesn't mean i am ungrateful for the two i have. Just because i want another child more than words can explain doesn't mean I don't hurt or understand those who have none. I just hurt, like they do, for a need you can't just "fix".
Tomorrow we head back to Dr. K ( Click here for our first meeting 4 years ago). I'm scared and calm and really okay. Rick and I had to really think before truly heading down this road again. I mean, it was pointed out already, we do have 2 kids. After A LOT of prayer and even more sit downs with just the two of us, we know our family isn't complete. We feel it. What we do not know is to what degree we will pursue this. Four years ago if we had to we'd go balls to the wall and be totally okay with it. Now, we aren't in that place anymore. This time we are seeing Dr. K after almost a year of being back on my meds and 3 unsuccessful rounds of clomid. ( 3 months of pure HELL you really do not want me to share). It was awful. This time, I'm not ovulating my angry uterus is REALLY angry and now my ovaries aren't even cooperating and it makes me SO mad.
This journey is different. It's marred by knowing how wonderful the end result is. It is also racked with guilt knowing any money spent on something to expand our family takes away from the two precious gifts we have now. It means knowing there will be moments we have to choose between the two, our future and our present. It means walking this path and understanding that loss might happen again, that it will hurt but also we can overcome it. It means completing our family instead of starting it. It means we've come full circle and are ready to do this again. It means there will be lots of tears and leaning on friends who won't have the 'right' words to say or who even really understand but just knowing they care will make it better.
So once again I ask for your prayers, from you my virtual friends. We find ourselves back on this road. It has lots of twists and turns but this time we know the end is more rewarding than the pain.
It wasn't but 6 years ago I figured out it doesn't always end in babies. Our first miscarriage devastated me. It shook me to the core, the second one hurt but more than anything just made me numb. Annelise, well, she changed me. Then another miscarriage and our infertility journey began. It was short and we ended up with a great set of doctors and a healthy baby Cupcake Princess to call our own. Success. 9 months later my womb was overflowing with our sweet Master P...it was then that I thought " wow we won the battle".
Funny how when we started this journey to #4 I never imagined we'd be on the same winding road. I'm honestly not sure how I feel about it all. I almost want to say this go around has been harder on me. Why, because now I know how amazing the gift of a child is. How I don't really just want a baby, though that's what i tell myself. I want the life. I want the cranky teething 9 month old, the independent toddler. I want the shy 7 year old and the teenager that makes me want to drink hard liquor at the start of the day because he is just that hardheaded. I want it all.
I made the mistake of posting on facebook about how hard it was to walk into Bella's class where all but two moms are pregnant. I am one of the two. It sucks. I'm not unhappy for those women. I am jealous and envious and so sad to hear them complain about how hard it is...because I would give ANYTHING to be pregnant right now. Needless to say there were some comments about " be grateful you have 2 kids some have none" etc. It really just made me angry. Just because my heart aches for another child to love doesn't mean i am ungrateful for the two i have. Just because i want another child more than words can explain doesn't mean I don't hurt or understand those who have none. I just hurt, like they do, for a need you can't just "fix".
Tomorrow we head back to Dr. K ( Click here for our first meeting 4 years ago). I'm scared and calm and really okay. Rick and I had to really think before truly heading down this road again. I mean, it was pointed out already, we do have 2 kids. After A LOT of prayer and even more sit downs with just the two of us, we know our family isn't complete. We feel it. What we do not know is to what degree we will pursue this. Four years ago if we had to we'd go balls to the wall and be totally okay with it. Now, we aren't in that place anymore. This time we are seeing Dr. K after almost a year of being back on my meds and 3 unsuccessful rounds of clomid. ( 3 months of pure HELL you really do not want me to share). It was awful. This time, I'm not ovulating my angry uterus is REALLY angry and now my ovaries aren't even cooperating and it makes me SO mad.
This journey is different. It's marred by knowing how wonderful the end result is. It is also racked with guilt knowing any money spent on something to expand our family takes away from the two precious gifts we have now. It means knowing there will be moments we have to choose between the two, our future and our present. It means walking this path and understanding that loss might happen again, that it will hurt but also we can overcome it. It means completing our family instead of starting it. It means we've come full circle and are ready to do this again. It means there will be lots of tears and leaning on friends who won't have the 'right' words to say or who even really understand but just knowing they care will make it better.
So once again I ask for your prayers, from you my virtual friends. We find ourselves back on this road. It has lots of twists and turns but this time we know the end is more rewarding than the pain.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)