Real Life Blooging: The next step in the Journey

It's funny for me to think this blog that is so much about life and love started with loss. It started with hurt and fear of the unknown. So as I sit here and we are back in that place it sort of feels- okay. Like at very least this time we know the journey ends in life, happiness and babies.

It wasn't but 6 years ago I figured out it doesn't always end in babies. Our first miscarriage devastated me. It shook me to the core, the second one hurt but more than anything just made me numb. Annelise, well, she changed me. Then another miscarriage and our infertility journey began. It was short and we ended up with a great set of doctors and a healthy baby Cupcake Princess to call our own. Success.  9 months later my womb was overflowing with our sweet Master P...it was then that I thought " wow we won the battle".

Funny how when we started this journey to #4 I never imagined we'd be on the same winding road. I'm honestly not sure how I feel about it all. I almost want to say this go around has been harder on me. Why, because now I know how amazing the gift of a child is. How I don't really just want  a baby, though that's what i tell myself. I want the life. I want the cranky teething 9 month old, the independent toddler. I want the shy 7 year old and the teenager that makes me want to drink hard liquor at the start of the day because he is just that hardheaded. I want it all.

I made the mistake of posting on facebook about how hard it was to walk into Bella's class where all but two moms are pregnant. I am one of the two. It sucks. I'm not unhappy for those women. I am jealous and envious and so sad to hear them complain about how hard it is...because I would give ANYTHING to be pregnant right now. Needless to say there were some comments about " be grateful you have 2 kids some have none" etc. It really just made me angry. Just because my heart aches for another child to love doesn't mean i am ungrateful for the two i have. Just because i want another child more than words can explain doesn't mean I don't hurt or understand those who have none. I just hurt, like they do, for a need you can't just "fix".

Tomorrow we head back to Dr. K ( Click here for our first meeting 4 years ago). I'm scared and calm and really okay. Rick and I had to really think before truly heading down this road again. I mean, it was pointed out already, we do have 2 kids. After A LOT of prayer and even more sit downs with just the two of us, we know our family isn't complete. We feel it. What we do not know is to what degree we will pursue this. Four years ago if we had to we'd go balls to the wall and be totally okay with it. Now, we aren't in that place anymore. This time we are seeing Dr. K after almost a year of being back on my meds and 3 unsuccessful rounds of clomid. ( 3 months of pure HELL you really do not want me to share). It was awful. This time, I'm not ovulating my angry uterus is REALLY angry and now my ovaries aren't even cooperating and it makes me SO mad.

This journey is different. It's marred by knowing how wonderful the end result is. It is also racked with guilt knowing any money spent on something to expand our family takes away from the two precious gifts we have now.  It means knowing there will be moments we have to choose between the two, our future and our present. It means walking this path and understanding that loss might happen again, that it will hurt but also we can overcome it. It means completing our family instead of starting it. It means we've come full circle and are ready to do this again. It means there will be lots of tears and leaning on friends who won't have the 'right' words to say or who even really understand but just knowing they care will make it better.

So once again I ask for your prayers, from you my virtual friends. We find ourselves back on this road. It has lots of twists and turns but this time we know the end is more rewarding than the pain.