This day rolls around every year and it always creeps up on me. If you know me in real life you know I'm just not a birthday girl. I like your birthday and my kids birthdays but I just don't care about mine exactly.
I'm not sure if it stems from some underlying insecurities; like no one will remember and I really am invisible because there are days I certainly feel that way and I don't want to be embarrassed because you forgot my day and I figured it mattered in your world, that I matter in your world when clearly I don't...
So even though I really have the most fabulous friends I am still that teenage girl whose birthday always fell on homecoming every year and was secondary to tiaras and dances and parades and pancake breakfasts. Yeah...i totally just went there. I guess it is ingrained...ehh. Or if its because with 2 small kids my birthday isn't special day for them, just another day for mommy to clean and cook and wipe away tears.
So its my birthday. Another day and another year older. Since I'm a good 4 years younger than the majority of my besties it isn't the age I fret over. I've always been the youngest so that doesn't bother me at all and now that they are all heading closer to 35 my 28 seems like something to keep to myself.:)
I'm pretty sure I don't like my birthday because its a constant reminder of Annelise and all the stupid testing and the fact my eggs are another year older and fewer. Ehh. I mean being told I have 'old' eggs didn't seem so bad when I was 24 but with each passing year the eggs get more shriveled and there are less of them and I always manage to remember today, my birthday. At this rate i'm set to hit menopause at 40...that's only 12 years of eggs and with wrinkles already they'll be prunes by the time we get around to using them again. Prunes I tell you. I have nightmares of my old shriveled eggs sitting around a coffee pot, of decaf no less, discussing botox and fiber with each other wondering why the wasted their best years on birth control and fear of "it only takes one time".
I'm 28 and my eggs are 40.
And then I think even if I wanted to I couldn't handle another baby right now. So we have eggs wasting monthly because we'd be crazy to bring another child into the world when we are so unsettled. So then I feel guilty and sad that even though I don't need or want another baby right now I might now have one in the future because we've already decided we wouldn't do the fertility route again (except for the specific drugs I need to maintain a pregnancy). I mean we wont do clomid or IVF or any of that...we've got 2 perfect babies so it just isn't for us at this point in our life.
But then I have old eggs so without the aid of medicine I might not get the big family I've dreamed of if we wait another 3 years. Sigh. By then my eggs will be 43 and I do not know anyone who had a baby with 43 year old eggs.
The old egg thing is only magnified by the fact my sweet girl insists Santa is bringing her two tiny baby sisters for Christmas, in fact she told a lady in Wal-Mart that today. I had to stand and shake my head vigorously behind her so the lady wouldn't ask when I was due. Because I so did not want to go there.
So another birthday another year older. I have big plans for today, now that I've gotten my old egg blues out of the way. Bel is going to dance class with her friend Hayden Claire, which I am probably more excited about then she is. Then we are having a mommy/Lulu date for cupcakes, a long nap and dinner with friends. It will be a glorious day and just my style. In the moment with my girl, my boy and my sweet friends. Another day in the world but it will be my day. Living the moment, old eggs and all, breathing and smiling and taking it all in.
Smells of freshly washed baby hair and sticky little hands holding my face to give the drooliest kiss a girl could imagine. Pink tutus and tonka trucks snacks of ants on a log and banana wheels and cake. A birthday is not complete without cake. There will be lip-gloss and our fancy shoes and a morning of just me and my girl. Nap time snuggles with my chubby little man and lingering kisses from my handsome prince ...it will be a glorious everyday kind of day and I will relish it because it is my day.
Thanks Mom for having me this day 28 years ago. You are my hero and I love you more than you can imagine.
I'm not sure if it stems from some underlying insecurities; like no one will remember and I really am invisible because there are days I certainly feel that way and I don't want to be embarrassed because you forgot my day and I figured it mattered in your world, that I matter in your world when clearly I don't...
So even though I really have the most fabulous friends I am still that teenage girl whose birthday always fell on homecoming every year and was secondary to tiaras and dances and parades and pancake breakfasts. Yeah...i totally just went there. I guess it is ingrained...ehh. Or if its because with 2 small kids my birthday isn't special day for them, just another day for mommy to clean and cook and wipe away tears.
So its my birthday. Another day and another year older. Since I'm a good 4 years younger than the majority of my besties it isn't the age I fret over. I've always been the youngest so that doesn't bother me at all and now that they are all heading closer to 35 my 28 seems like something to keep to myself.:)
I'm pretty sure I don't like my birthday because its a constant reminder of Annelise and all the stupid testing and the fact my eggs are another year older and fewer. Ehh. I mean being told I have 'old' eggs didn't seem so bad when I was 24 but with each passing year the eggs get more shriveled and there are less of them and I always manage to remember today, my birthday. At this rate i'm set to hit menopause at 40...that's only 12 years of eggs and with wrinkles already they'll be prunes by the time we get around to using them again. Prunes I tell you. I have nightmares of my old shriveled eggs sitting around a coffee pot, of decaf no less, discussing botox and fiber with each other wondering why the wasted their best years on birth control and fear of "it only takes one time".
I'm 28 and my eggs are 40.
And then I think even if I wanted to I couldn't handle another baby right now. So we have eggs wasting monthly because we'd be crazy to bring another child into the world when we are so unsettled. So then I feel guilty and sad that even though I don't need or want another baby right now I might now have one in the future because we've already decided we wouldn't do the fertility route again (except for the specific drugs I need to maintain a pregnancy). I mean we wont do clomid or IVF or any of that...we've got 2 perfect babies so it just isn't for us at this point in our life.
But then I have old eggs so without the aid of medicine I might not get the big family I've dreamed of if we wait another 3 years. Sigh. By then my eggs will be 43 and I do not know anyone who had a baby with 43 year old eggs.
The old egg thing is only magnified by the fact my sweet girl insists Santa is bringing her two tiny baby sisters for Christmas, in fact she told a lady in Wal-Mart that today. I had to stand and shake my head vigorously behind her so the lady wouldn't ask when I was due. Because I so did not want to go there.
So another birthday another year older. I have big plans for today, now that I've gotten my old egg blues out of the way. Bel is going to dance class with her friend Hayden Claire, which I am probably more excited about then she is. Then we are having a mommy/Lulu date for cupcakes, a long nap and dinner with friends. It will be a glorious day and just my style. In the moment with my girl, my boy and my sweet friends. Another day in the world but it will be my day. Living the moment, old eggs and all, breathing and smiling and taking it all in.
Smells of freshly washed baby hair and sticky little hands holding my face to give the drooliest kiss a girl could imagine. Pink tutus and tonka trucks snacks of ants on a log and banana wheels and cake. A birthday is not complete without cake. There will be lip-gloss and our fancy shoes and a morning of just me and my girl. Nap time snuggles with my chubby little man and lingering kisses from my handsome prince ...it will be a glorious everyday kind of day and I will relish it because it is my day.
Thanks Mom for having me this day 28 years ago. You are my hero and I love you more than you can imagine.
5 comments:
Happy Birthday Jenny! I hope you have a wonderful day.
Hey, I'm the same way about my birthday. I think after I hit 21 it was no big deal. A few weeks ago I turned 33.... yes 35 is creaping up and I want to stop counting.
I know I'm old when were eating out and I am called ma'm. Should just say old lady, right?
Happy Birthday Jenny! I hope you have a wonderful day.
Hey, I'm the same way about my birthday. I enjoy the parties for the kids no so much for me.... to old for that. I don't want a reminder every year that 40 is on it's way.
Happy Birhtday! I hope it is a fabulous day and despite your family's recent struggles, another fabulous year with abundant blessings!
Happy Birthday Jenny!!! Hope you have a great day...you of all people deserve it!!
Happy birthday Jenny! As another "old egg" woman I totally understand, especially since I'll be 34 this year. Hang in there my friend and enjoy your day!
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