and some seriousness to life....

So I think I am ready to start talking about some stuff. I know it is long overdue but none the less I am just now beginning to even think about a good majority of it. It has just now occurred to me that I have never recorded exactly what happened with my pregnancy with Annelise. I know i don't 'have' to but somehow I need it to be written down, for me, so I can move on. So here goes...

It was late November 2005 when my best friend S and I had a long talk about loss and how I was doing. I don't remember what all was said but i remember coming out of it thinking 'I can do this again'. ( We lost our first baby in July 2005) So we decided to try again and it happened really quickly. We celebrated New Year's with a smile and a positive pregnancy test in our back pocket! We didn't tell our families for quite a while but when we did they were, of course, very excited. I knew right away it was a baby girl. We named her Annelise and never looked back. In March I agreed to the AFP test not knowing what it had in store for me. Sadly, the test came back with a 1:10 chance of my baby having the fatal Trisomy 18. For whatever reason I was alone when I was called into the doctors office to hear the results. ( Neither of us can remember why Rick wasn't there. He was at every doctors appointment so this was rare) I still remember my first reaction as i was ushered back to Dr. R's office and sat in those huge mahogany chairs. Dr. R sat beside me and told me the tragic news and all i could say was " FU*K"! I cried and she held me, asked where Rick was, and then reached over and just called my mom. ( My mom's office is across the street and Dr. R knows the whole family) My mom and sister came running over and then they held us too. That day was so sad. I was immediately given an appointment with the high risk doctor ( Dr. T) and we were seen by him later that day. I had an ultra-sound that showed my beautiful baby was in fact the girl I believed she was. It also showed she had a cystic hygroma on her neck and something was definitely wrong. I immediately had the amniocentesis which was scary and hurt like crazy. It is a sensation I will never forget, a sudden, sharp electric shock through your hooha, wow! So now the wait began.

We opted to do the FISH test which is part of the amnio but the results only tested for 5 things, Trisomy 13, 18, 21, the X chromosome, and the Y chromosome. For whatever reason Annelise's test came back inconclusive which happens less than 1% of the time, lucky us. So they put a rush order on the rest of the amnio results and we waited. All I wanted was for her to be okay, i wanted that little girl more than i can explain, I still do. In that 10 day period I lost about 13 pounds. The stress was overwhelming. The results came back and it turns out Annelise did not have the fatal trisomy 18. However, we weren't out of the woods. She did have mosaic turner's syndrome. We were devastated but still hopeful. We had a chance, our little girl had a 2% chance of living. I knew she could do it. I just knew we were going to hold my Nana and things would be okay.
I was wrong very wrong. Annelise was a lot more special than we even knew. It turns out she didn't just have turner's. She had a gene translocation, depletion of one part of a gene, and an addition of a gene on top of the turners. She was a special baby. Because of the type of gene issues she had we were offered free testing on our genes and hers. We took the offer and we both were tested and have very pretty pictures of our gene makeup. Just what I always wanted. So we were given the choice at selective reduction or we could try and beat the odds. We couldn't just reduce the little girl we worked so hard for so we kept on going. We told our families that Annelise Hope was probably not going to make it but still prepared for her arrival, we wanted, needed, loved this little girl too much to give up hope.

Life went on for awhile and we had sonograms, biophysical profiles, and were monitored very closely by both Dr. R and Dr. T for the remaining weeks. We bought baby bedding, found a pediatrician who had experience with turner's babies, found an endocrinologist, researched the neonatal team that was picked for her delivery by our doctors, and prepared to have a baby.

I wasn't feeling so hot so on my next visit to Dr. R , I just didn't feel good. My blood pressure was up and I was sent strait to the hospital for an overnight stay. They believed it was the beginning of pre-eclampsia but it turns out it is just my bodies reaction to being pregnant. My system is not equipped to carry a baby, I suck at being pregnant. So after a few days I was released on bed rest and sent home to keep my legs crossed for another few weeks. That weekend was Rick's brothers wedding and he was the best man. Reluctantly, he left me in the care of my mom and headed out of town for the wedding. I still just didn't feel good.

I can't explain it but i knew something was wrong. I had a weird sensation I still can't explain. I said goodbye to my baby on Thursday July 20 but just kept my feelings to myself. I was trying to make it through the wedding so i wouldn't be responsible for ruining the wedding of Rick's only brother. Friday came and went and I laid around crying, my parents just figured it was pregnancy stuff and left me to myself. On Saturday my mom had figured something wasn't right and she took me home to get the doppler. I just wanted to know myself for sure before calling Rick. Sure enough I didn't find the heartbeat and my mom took me strait to the hospital. I waited to call Rick until the doctor said she had passed away. I remember Dr. T's tears and him telling us she was an angel. All I could say was " But she has a name" like that was going to change things. Then I screamed and I can't remember the moment i stopped screaming but it seems I've been screaming for the last year. My mom was with me and my sister was on the way. She came into the room and I remember yelling at them to just go away. I didn't want to be with anyone but they stayed. Thank God they stayed. My mom and sister held me and I called Rick. Telling my best friend his baby girl, his dream, had died was the hardest thing I think i'll ever have to do. At that point they wheeled me down to labor & delivery and the 'process' was started. I remember calling S and telling her Annelise was gone. All she said was NO and she asked what i wanted and if she should come. I said no and she came anyway. Thank God she came.
They started the induction process and went ahead and gave me both an epidural and the narcotics. I was numb both literally and figuratively and before I knew it my dad had made his way to the hospital and my whole family was with me. My mom, sister, dad and S helped the time pass as we waited for Rick. At this point I was okay. Not crying but just hanging out waiting for the 'process' to end. Strangely, our tear stained faces could still laugh and you could feel the love in the room. I've never felt so sad, lucky, grateful for the people in my life as I did that moment. After all, it wasn't but a few hours before I was yelling at them to leave me alone but they knew better and they all stayed. Rick made it to the hospital in about 3 hours for a 6 hour drive. I still wasn't ready to push so we all just slept.
Despite my best efforts Rick missed the wedding but luckily our brother in law fit in his tux so the best man position wasn't left unattended. We waited to tell all the family why Rick left so suddenly, but from what I hear, the parents knew as soon as they saw Rick had been replaced. Sadly, the wedding pictures are what suffered, and I for one can't even look at them.

At about 5:30 Sunday July 23 my epidural had completely worked itself out of my back. The first epidural took 3 tries and 2 different doctors to put in so I wasn't anxious for a second round. By this time Rick's family, except for the newly weds, had made the trip to the hospital and everyone was there. It turns out that not only is my body not equipped to carry a baby it is also not set up to have an epidural. Lovely. They tried to get the second one in but by that time I was ready to push. I sat there in tears because the pain was crazy, the doctor kept hitting a nerve,I was sitting on my babies head, and all I wanted was for the process to be over. I still have bruises from the multiple attempts at the epidural and pain if you just touch the spot it went in.

We asked the family to leave us and it was time to push. I pushed, drug free, for about 8 minutes and out popped my beautiful Annelise. She was perfect. She had no visible signs of turners other than she was tiny. So very tiny. Rick and I held our little girl for what seems like forever and just a second all at the same time. When we were ready they gave Annelise a bath and brought her back to us. For whatever reason S was thoughtful enough to stop by our house and get Annelise some of her own clothes. She was dressed in the very first outfit I bought when I found out I was pregnant. She also brought little pink socks and a murphy hat with a fuzzy
pink blanket. I just couldn't introduce my little girl to her family dressed in a hospital blanket.

We called the Chaplin and our families and she was baptized with all of us there. They each held Annelise and said their goodbyes. The hardest to watch was our dads. Rick's dad didn't handle it well and I am not sure he ever held her, but the image of my dad was enough to break my heart all over again. I think he wanted that little girl more than we did, if that is even possible.

I can honestly say my first instinct was to not see her but now I can't imagine not having those precious moments with my little girl. I would have never have gotten to see her quirky little toe, her curly blond hair, or how she really was the perfect mix of the two of us. When we had to let her go for the last time I think was when it really hit me. Somehow as I held her I was willing her to breathe. I couldn't take my eyes off her because I just knew if I did I would miss her breath and it wouldn't all just be a bad dream. It didn't seem real. We let her go and it was so hard. So very hard. Rick had to pry her out of my hands and I think that was probably the hardest thing he ever had to do. The day before I took his dream away and at that moment he was taking mine.
At that point all I wanted was sleep. Rick's family left and mine finally did too and it was just us. They moved us from L & D and put us on a different floor where we couldn't hear babies scream all night. We both slept in the twin size hospital bed for what seems like days. Neither of us showering or moving. It was our own haven with bad food and endless reruns of Jeopardy. Eventually they kicked us out.
We couldn't go home so we went to my parents house, but later in the day we knew we had to go home and get clothes so we sucked it up and went. Walking through the door was hard but someone ( our neighbors maybe?) had removed all traces of Annelise from the main areas so we didn't have to face it just yet. The nursery door was closed and her name removed from the door, just like that she was gone. We grabbed clothes and animals and left back for my parents house. We stayed there for a few days, holed up in my old bedroom, not coming out for much of anything.
On July 25 Rick and I had our ceremony for Nana. It was just the two of us and her and it was perfect. We got one extra chance to see our perfect little girl and say our goodbyes. As I kissed her nose one last time I asked her to watch over our future children and give us the hope, courage, and faith to do this all again. I left the room knowing I'd never see her again but that she would be with me always. Rick told her some things he thought she needed to know and that she'd always be our princess and that we loved her. We all loved her and we always would.
We left the funeral home with a peace I can't explain. Knowing it was not the end but the beginning of a new us, a new life, and a new outlook on the world. I know we knew things would change but i never thought we would change as much as we have.
We spent the next 5 days in Austin and we were surrounded by butterflies. Annelise was with us.
Eventually, we had to turn our phones back on and return to the world. Our friends and family were amazing. Our house was clean. Dinner made for months. Our house and my parents house looked like we bought a flower shop. We received cards and letters from people we hadn't heard from in years. We are still amazed at the overwhelming support we've received.

It has been almost a year and we still have visits from butterflies every once in a while. In the middle of winter, when either of us is having a bad day, on the day we found out we were having another baby. Annelise is always with us. It is still so hard but I know now that eventually things will be better. We have our days where we are still angry, sad, emotional, but now they are becoming fewer and farther between. We are growing and we are surviving and Annelise is watching over us.

Dr. R said something to us in the hospital I never quite understood until today. She said " This sucks, you'll never be okay, but one day you will realize you are better". She was right, it does suck, we aren't okay but we are better for just knowing Annelise. We've got our very own angel, our very own guardian to watch our family grow, and help us know we aren't alone in life, how much better could it get than that?